Sources Confirm Existence of Employed Media Exec

Humanitarian workers sorting through the rubble of a Manhattan media business district yesterday confirmed the existence of an apparently still-employed man. Todd Tarpley, a digital media expert, was found shivering and huddled over a laptop, murmuring about revenue run rates. He had not eaten in days and seemed unaware that all the offices and cubicles within a 20-block radius were empty. “This guy has been at multiple media companies over the past decade,” said a UN official. “It's a tragic situation, but he knows no other life.” A private-equity spokesperson vowed to find Tarpley and lay him off as quickly as possible.

NYC Woman Victim of “We Need a Second Dog” Scam

Authorities say an Upper West Side woman was the victim of a scam perpetrated by her own family. Jennifer Tarpley, who shares a small apartment with her husband, two sons, a dog and a cat, was conned by her family into getting a second dog. The sweet-looking puppy, described by neighbors as a black-and-tan Cocker Spaniel named Bailey, chews on things, terrorizes the other pets, and poops and pees at will. Authorities say the scam is perpetrated by convincing the victim that two dogs will be less trouble than one because "they will keep each other company." Authorities praise Tarpley for avoiding the "we need more kids" scam, and advise others to stay alert, immediately delete puppy photos you receive via email, and familiarize yourself with the feel of wet poop on bare feet at 2am.

Dream Vacation Ends in Tragedy as Family Returns to Work, School

A summer vacation to a water park resort in Wisconsin ended tragically when the family was forced to return to their normal lives afterwards. The Tarpley family of Manhattan enjoyed a week at the Wilderness Resort in Wisconsin Dells in July. “It was the greatest vacation ever,” said 11-year-old Samuel Tarpley. His brother Ethan, 8, agreed. “It had, like, fifty-hundred water parks!” “I was all, yeah, we could just live here,” said their father, Todd, hugging his wife Jennifer. Within days, however, the family was forced to return to their pet-hair-coated Upper West Side apartment, pay credit card bills, work, and go to school. Samuel is reportedly attempting to invent a portal that the family can use to transport back and forth.

11-Year-Old’s Obsession With “Back to the Future” Creates Rift in Space-Time Continuum

Scientists say Samuel Tarpley’s non-stop viewing of a DVD for the past eleven months may have dire consequences for the universe. “Space-time is curved,” explains Dr. Emmett Brown of Hill Valley College. “High-volume repetition of an activity—say, seven million consecutive viewings of a DVD—could actually cause the universe to fold back onto itself.” Such an event would produce bizarre and illogical outcomes such as an illiterate person being named a Vice Presidential candidate, or a seemingly smart person marrying Tom Cruise. Tarpley, a Manhattan sixth grader, vows to travel back in time to restore the universe to its normal state. His father requested that he bring the 1985 version of actress Elizabeth Shue back with him.