Sources Confirm Existence of Employed Media Exec

Humanitarian workers sorting through the rubble of a Manhattan media business district yesterday confirmed the existence of an apparently still-employed man. Todd Tarpley, a digital media expert, was found shivering and huddled over a laptop, murmuring about revenue run rates. He had not eaten in days and seemed unaware that all the offices and cubicles within a 20-block radius were empty. “This guy has been at multiple media companies over the past decade,” said a UN official. “It's a tragic situation, but he knows no other life.” A private-equity spokesperson vowed to find Tarpley and lay him off as quickly as possible.